Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Creative PMT & the madness of being
Being a creative person has it's highs and lows.
On the positive side ...well, it's pretty awesome to start out with absolutely nothing and fill that nothing with a something that previously never existed. It's a feeling of total satisfaction...for a brief moment at least...and in my case it's very brief, as my need to create is insatiable.
The journey is always unique, always significant personally, and each project seems to capture and freeze a time frame in my life (which can be good when you're feeling great, or bad if life was feeling pretty shite at the time).
The preceding process is almost always filled with angst, confusion, and other crappy vibes. In fact, they're usually the first signs that i know a project is about to be born. It's like a kind of creative PMT. If i don't get on with it, that PMT can last for as long as it takes before i finally birth that baby! I also find that i preoccupy myself with everything BUT starting something, distracting myself with anything i can possible think of and making myself sink further into the abyss. We could spend a lot of time debating why it is i do it to myself, but my guess is that it probably stems from my boredom as a child, which is what encouraged me to create my own stuff. So perhaps i'm subconsciously trying to bore myself until i can't stand myself any longer. Whatever the reason, i seem to take on a dual-personaility, half artist and half mad-woman. i must be a pain to live with at times!
Once i've thrown myself in the deep end, i'm quickly committed. I truly enjoy the process of creation, starting out with something raw...an idea, a skelaton, a fragment, or perhaps nothing but the moment itself and a big empty. I enjoy the crafting of it, the tweeking, the exploring...it's like an adventure in a new place, unknown territory. I love to flirt with serendipity and chance, and make the whole thing feel like it has a free will of it's own. I become dedicated, somewhat fanatical, and definately obsessed with it's exploration. Until there's a technical problem, or more likely I become the technical problem, stubbournly dig my heals and then sulk...briefly... until i find a way to let go, relieved and content with serendipity's kiss.
As with many artists, my internal world is filled with contradictions, fears and passion, which manifest in numerous ways when i work. But most days my world is filled with motherhood, business, and friendship, and my creativity brews under the surface, growing and festering under my skin.
Life is good